[Day 21] Mind is a blur, so how about I blog?

nothingness2It’s a busy world “out there”. Funny that I would say that, because in actuality I do sometimes view the world as external, not part of me, separate even. When I have to wake up early in the morning on certain days I don’t want to go to work, and I do my job (which is a job I happen to like a lot), the realization that I am putting myself in the system, playing its “game”, makes me chuckle to myself because I dream of another world entirely different, with magic animals, funky houses, flying with the birds, traversing space and time, saving the princess, and epic quests. Then I see reality, here, and can’t help but think “is this all you have to offer?”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the world as something external, while the physical world is very much stable and more reliable. My mind creates imaginative fantasies to cope with the bland, dull, repetitive reality I perceive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this reality as bland, dull, or boring. I am more than capable of finding and researching new things via the internet to spark my interest and to fuel old desires or to discover new ones. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts of grandeur, like sci-fi stories I know or like games I have played, which upon inspection, are not physically possible in this world. I know this, I accept that Terminator, Warcraft, and Grandia will never come to life and they will always exists as stories. Now, I instead focus on my life here

The first step to achieving the life and world I want is nothingness. As Bernard said, this 7 year journey to life blogging is aimed at reaching a point of nothingness. From there, we can create a world that is best for all. I would like to learn more about what nothingness is, what it means, how to know what to look for when you’re getting close to that point. The first thought that comes to my mind is nirvana in Buddhism. It can be interpreted as “non-self” or “emptiness”. Nirvana can also be interpreted as “absence of the weaving of activity of the mind” and “the elimination of desire”. I gained all this from Wikipedia, so I hope it’s correct, but it sounds similar to things I have heard before.

Going with this further, nothingness reminds me of the times I spent meditating by myself, in a non-spiritual way. When I meditated (I really should get back into it), I would sit in a lotus position, straighten my spine, focus on my breath, spin my chakras, and let the thoughts leave my mind. Many times, the feeling of emptiness I felt afterward was incredible. It’s like the Desteni material says – people are afraid that if they stop the mind, they will stop existing! It’s not so!

I can still remember a seemingly random event in my life while playing a game with friends in Arizona as a kid. We were going door-to-door asking neighbors for random items on a list (such as a lightbulb, a Coke can, an old shoe) and without warning I experienced something that forever changed me. While walking to the next house, I took a step back from my mind and witnessed my being. I truly felt like I was outside of my body and my mind, I was the very being inhabiting this human vehicle. Ever since then, I do it quite often now, but not all the time. I get nervous to write about this because I’m afraid somebody will shut me down and tell me how that is impossible, or not real, or I only “think” that I did that. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear to control me when speaking about personal experiences that only I can see, hear, or talk about. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become nervous to speak up about “odd” or “taboo” subjects even in my own personal Journey to Life blog which is designed to free myself of these restrictions. I am, in fact, freeing myself right now by doing self-forgiveness on this point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “buy in” to the system so much that I have to choose my words carefully so as not to upset certain people who may find what I have written. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have doubts within myself about my own experiences, colliding with information from knowledge I may not fully comprehend, and going against the social norms of the system in place that “shuns the non-believer”.

When the mind is busy stirring, blogging your way to nothingness is the best thing you can do for yourself. Today, I learned that.



[Day 21] Mind is a blur, so how about I blog?

[Day 20] Terminator, Reptilian Sleeper Cells, and a Life Mission

213-01Maybe I’m high from watching the Terminator TV series the Sarah Connor Chronicles, but this show hit me like a sack of bricks with it’s great actors, visuals, story, and my tangents of thought about how it relates to the world we live in. Yes I am excited because I discovered an amazing new show, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become engrossed in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. It has really been inspiring to me, though.

I liken the show’s AI takeover to that of Reptilian/Anunnaki mind enslavement control. If we are simply pre-programmed robots doing our jobs, what good is it to be alive anyway? Life rests in the being, the observer, the one behind the human vehicle – driving it. Otherwise we are just along for the ride. As Bernard mentioned in a video I can no longer seem to find, a Reptilian sleeper cell has been put in play in the world who are there to stop those who oppose what is best for all. Now it’s starting to sound like Terminator!

I was curious what this sleeper cell was, how to find it, how to stop it. After some more digging I found out that he described them as people who follow their pre-programming and cause you to doubt yourself or have fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly wish for something more exciting, something that could be captured or destroyed like in Terminator. I forgive myself for wanting an epic, grand show of war and rebellion, heroes and mysteries. I forgive myself for wishing real life was more like the movies and television. I realize that real life itself is fantastic because of the intricacies of the mysteries, the synchronous moments of epiphany between movies and real life that baffle reason, the strange feeling of acknowledgement of similarities you get when you compare the end of the world on the screen and the end of the world in real life. Life is actually even more outlandish! We play in a different world here, by different rules, that have real consequences.

It is still possible to learn from and enjoy the show. Those characters live outside of social norms, fighting a largely unseen fight, in order to save John Connor so he can lead the way away from humanity’s complete annihilation by out-of-control AI robots. Something in me ticks, it fires up dormant sectors of my being, and uncovers my true inner desire for such a life story as that.

[Day 20] Terminator, Reptilian Sleeper Cells, and a Life Mission

[Day 19] Non-stop writing to clear my mind

just-keep-writing1This will be short because I am trying something new in my blog. The clock just struck midnight and I began typing, I think I will go for 5 minutes non-stop. Now of course I will find myself struggling at times, but the point is to pick myself up, stay focused on the task at hand, and move forward.

I decided to do this because I have done it before and it has been therapeutic for me. I have been sitting at my computer a good while now typing a blog post before this, and I was just stuck, what some might call writer’s block. What it was was my desire to create the perfect written piece. I wanted perfection and I would go back and edit, and re-edit until I was still not completely satisfied. This way, I am bring my mind to the physical by allowing myself to type away freely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience writer’s block which caused me stress during an activity which is designed to free myself of my mind’s powers. Writer’s block takes many shapes and forms for many people, for me, today, it was a process of obsession and compulsion to be a very intelligent author with clear points and be viewed as a good author. Oops, I didn’t want to write that, now you know I have an ego!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an ego that desires complements and appreciation for my writing. The point of this blog is to liberate myself from my mind, and now I am feeling a little bit more liberated.



[Day 19] Non-stop writing to clear my mind

[Day 18] Fearing the end – Pt. 2

w6I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with the text message I received yesterday from a friend.

“r u ready 4 whats coming”  and  “when the shit hits the fan ill look 4 u”  and  “really bad things are going to happen this year”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become unstable in myself as I read these messages, knowing the source of these messages was someone I know and trust. This person and I have had serious, deep, long conversations about the state of the world, conspiracies, spirits, and so much more. We have disagreed on things, and we have agreed on other things. One thing we had in common was our desire to know, understand, and be ready for the coming storm.

I forgive myself for being unsure of how to feel about this moment. I readily accept that “bad” things will happen, though I have been wrong on my predictions so far. I forgive myself for believing that martial law would already be here when Jade Helm was active. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that our currency would be worthless by now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Essassani would be here already and living in Sedona, AZ. So many conspiracy theories and imagined scenarios have never become manifest, and with each one I lose trust in myself to accurately interpret reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose trust in myself due to a misplaced, misunderstood, and self-dishonest belief, thought, or idea. Leaving the world of conspiracy theories behind has been paramount to my recovery, because I can instead focus on bettering myself and seeing the results for myself instead of debating on forums or with other people about a topic that we may never get answers to.

Still, I can’t shake it. It’s like I am riding a train and I know it’s moving, I can feel the momentum, the acceleration, and I feel the tracks shaking, we are going too fast, the passengers are getting angry, but the conductor doesn’t care if he destroys this train and the people – so long as he survives and gets paid. And he’s got a quick-eject seat! Have you seen the movie Snowpiercer? It is a great movie, and we are the folks in the back of the train.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the experience of fear in my life today. The fear of violence, being subdued, taking prisoner, put in FEMA camps, martial law, and societal collapse both unsettles me and strangely puts me at ease. I say that, because, after all these times I thought something would happen and it never did, having something big happen like what I listed would give me the satisfaction of being “right” for once. I can’t stand being so silent to so many people I see on a daily basis about real matters like these, because it’s “crazy talk”, it’s “conspiracy theories”. Well damnit, they exist! And that’s a provable fact! The part that becomes theory is the “how” – how will FEMA camps be used? They exist! How will martial law be implemented? It exists! It’s ready to be signed into Executive Order when the President decides to. These are the things that keep me up at night, literally. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the need to put a stop to my mind, and thus a stop to the endless ways in which my world can take a disastrous turn at any moment.

I commit myself to live in the moment. The past will catch up with me and the future can be changed. I will put a stop to my rushing mind and I will breath here.


[Day 18] Fearing the end – Pt. 2

[Day 17] Fearing the end

IMG_3664I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have doomsday daydreams in my mind and to enjoy them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doomsday theories, which is a fear of violent situations I envision in societal breakdown: killing, mugging, taking hostages, becoming separated from close people, total anarchy and chaos.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to once again have these thoughts come back to my mind because of a single text message I received earlier in the day from a friend who states that they will never forget me, and they will come looking for me when shit hits the fan (in a friendly way).

I realize the situation is dire already, and I also realize it may already be too late and we must suffer consequences within this lifetime that will be so traumatic that I can’t even imagine it yet.

I do “believe” bad things are on the way: civil war, martial law, economic collapse, FEMA camps, the destruction of our food chain, oceans, forests, the whole planet. It appears to be not just theory, but common sense now. I will not entertain the research I once I did on these subjects on conspiracy theory forums, because that puts me in a bad mood. But when my friend reached out to me today, it all came rushing back – the potential for hell on earth is inevitable. I will not fear it. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear hell on earth, which is my own personal hell, a worse case scenario being played out before me and with me so that I may see myself in it and correct my own being to be in alignment with Oneness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry and stress over all the things that could go wrong, all the ways in which this hell could be implemented. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be persuaded to make decisions based on whether or not the end is coming. I realize now that “the show must go on” and in this moment I have options to self-correct myself and to unite with others under the same cause so that we can be stronger as a whole. We will never make it through this process without coming together, the obstacles are too strong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having a group to belong to when shit hits the fan. I realize that I am willing and capable to rebuild myself and the world if life as we know it changes drastically. Without the internet, it will be hard to stay in touch with so many people. I will be restricted to my local area only, at all times. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being without internet. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so accustomed to the internet that I have more friends outside my local area than I do locally.

I will wrap this up now. I was able to release some big points within myself through this self-forgiveness post.



[Day 17] Fearing the end

[Day 16] Need a break from the bullshit

I hate to be a downer, because honestly I feel pretty elated about the way things are going in my life, yet the momentum of activities in my life is relentless and it’s making me tired. Sometimes I yearn for the simple life on a farm, working in the sun and the soil, eating from my own garden and drinking from the river. With animal companions and life-loving humans I get along with. This modern life of computers, cars, air-conditioning, fast food, busy schedules, societal etiquette, and instant communication is wonderful and all (and I’ve been camping enough times to know how grateful I am to return to it), yet separation still exists and I am reminded of it moment by moment.

As I get older, I hang on to whatever innocence I have left – I am realistic though and I understand the polarity nature we have. Still, when people are rude I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, yet again they are rude. That’s been bothering me lately, people’s rudeness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become perturbed by other people’s rudeness towards me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have vengeful ideation towards these people, because I know that in the moment I become enraged but it goes away quickly, leaving me with a feeling of sadness instead. This sadness is because I wish that they were different, but I cannot change them.

My life has become fairly routine now, working normal business hours on the weekdays, weekends off. My home life has routines too, mostly computer/internet/game related. I do yardwork on the weekends, I planted some flowers last week. This summer I have not been out camping much because of the heat, so I stay indoors. For the most part this works well for me and I am able to live a happy, normal life. Yet I have one foot in the matrix, and one foot out. I know the system is fucked. I also know what it takes to survive in the system. Lately, it seems like most of my energy is being put into the systems in place and it takes energy to draw myself away. I dream about finding a good place to meditate and just meditating. Yet I find excuses not to. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find excuses to not meditate. I forgive myself for being afraid to meditate by myself because I do not feel safe keeping my eyes closed for that long. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find fault with places I consider meditating – my home has too much energy to find meditative peace, the park is too hot outside and there are other people there, I cannot meditate in public because it’s not safe and people will find it weird, I cannot meditate in the woods because an animal might creep up on me. I want to meditate. I need to meditate, so bad, and it could replace medication.

What is meditation but a re-focusing of my being? Breath by breath we can meditate, re-focus to the present moment, in awareness. I do this and it proves helpful. I just want a big meditative purge to cleanse my system because my breath meditation has been very random. I forgive myself for not being able to focus on my breath, every breath. I read somewhere in the Desteni material that we should be able to focus on our breath all day, and our entire lives. I can’t last 5 minutes.

When I go swimming, which I do frequently now, I spend time submerging myself under water and holding my breath. This is both an exercise to expand my lungs and also it is something so much more. Once I am underwater, sound goes away and I am left in a sensory deprivation state that allows me to super focus and I feel absolutely peaceful and calm when I am under there. It almost reminds me of being in the womb, in silence. I want this kind of vacation again, more often, easier to obtain. I wish the world was different, but for now I can always find ways to take a break from the bullshit, so I can go back into the matrix and try again to fix it from the inside.


[Day 16] Need a break from the bullshit

[Day 15] Irritability reaching high levels, needs self-forgiveness

OK so sometimes I need a little push or nudge or motivation to get started writing in my blog again, and my experiences lately of being irritated at people has peaked and I know that writing this out will help me. Right now, I feel irritated with people who are close to me and I need to explore this point further.

Now, it’s safe to say that I have lived with this irritability for a very long time, because most people close to me are Christians, the end. They have never even explored the Baha’i Faith (a religion that accepts Christianity as truth, by the way), nor New Age beliefs, nor channels, nor yoga, nor meditation. Their worlds are closed. I have come to accept this in people, for I would have driven myself insane if I continued to “care” about “changing” them. Lately, some of my friends have become increasingly vocal about their beliefs, and they are as firm in them as ever, and it’s incredibly disheartening. Moreso, when we (unfortunately, and not by my initiative) get into a debate about it, I know it will be a fruitless endeavor, and I tell them that, because I do not care to debate the topic with a hardcore Christian who is not open to receiving alternate views and actually, really contemplating the possibilities, much less to accept the Desteni message. Yes indeed, I do wish all Christians would renounce their faith – for themselves and for All. As a reminder for anyone reading this without context: I want what is best for you, for me, and for All. If something is not best for even one individual, one lone flower in the desert – it is not what I truly want. The world I want to create will be free of masters and slaves, as all religions perpetuate. In fact, all religions are created systems not by a spiritual, unknowable god, but by something even more amazingly mind-blowing. That is, an entire existence of beings we belong to as Life itself yet we are blinded from by our mind. Yet we are all One in this equation, there exists no god above.

I have noticed that when I speak with these people through the computer or telephone, and even in person, that I feel incredibly frustrated. They just talk to much. I cannot fucking STAND people who talk too much and say nothing. Even still, when they do have something tangible they are talking about, take a god damn breath and chill out, learn to be enigmatic, learn to leave a thought open to interpretation and discussion. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this huge anger to build up within me when I listen to people talk. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I have given up my power to the speaker when I am the listener. I realize that I always have the power to breathe (unless something traumatic happens, let’s not go there though) while someone is speaking, I have the power to be calm, or even to ignore them. I recognize that I can ultimately never speak to a person again if I so wish, and I recognize that I could also tell someone directly when they are speaking too much.

This point of irritability within me is also caused by being limited in time to listen to them, so I begin to feel like I am sacrificing my time and the task at hand just to listen to somebody talk. In fact, I like to play video games while talking to them, so often I find myself in an inner battle of choosing where to focus my attention and energy – myself and this video game, or the speaker. As I begin to remember more specifics of what bothers me, I can recall that the most often present factor in my irritability when speaking with people is the absolutely atrocious and obnoxious ways they speak which makes them incomprehensible. They will speak too softly, or speak too fucking sloooooow. I just want them to shutup at that point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become so angry at another individual when really I do enjoy making connections with others, my main problem is that I do not like that we have to make noises with our mouths to communicate.

The spoken language is a beautiful thing in all its complexities and variations. However, what if we all could just read each other’s minds, but with control of what we put out there for other’s to read? That would be so much better. Imagine, instantaneous communication from my brain to yours, directly, and no effort made to move your mouth muscles and exhale air and vibrating your vocal chords in a certain pattern, at a certain volume, and getting dry mouthed or having to talk for an hour to get your message across. Certainly the written word has it’s advantages to a person like me who would rather read, at my own pace. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so uptight and judgmental about the way people speak. I know I’m not a perfect speaker, and sometimes I can’t fix how loudly I’m talking because I have a deep voice that carries. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to talk with people simply because I don’t want to talk. I realize it is ok to not want to talk, and it is ok if I do want to talk, or listen. I will commit myself to remaining unperturbed, in neutrality, and to be accepting of people who talk too much, or too slow, or too soft.

I enjoy silence, and I just wish more people would turn off their talking programs and just BE. HERE. WITH ME. In silence.

[Day 15] Irritability reaching high levels, needs self-forgiveness