[Day 26] Doing my part


Celebrities never really appealed to me, they always seemed so fake and distant. I’ve been watching Mr. Robot and I love this show! Watching the cast Q&As and the Emmy acceptance speech, oh and reading the Executive Producer’s Reddit AMA – I realized just how down-to-earth and normal these particular people are. And that was inspiring.

I’ve been feeling pretty bummed about work lately, and to see people I can relate to so much become so successful is truly a mood lifter. I am currently on light duty at work due to a wrist injury last week. I am also doing physical therapy to rehabilitate my wrist, but it is still injured and I will go see my doctor about it tomorrow. This is all at the same time that I have been looking forward to a new position opening up now for more than 6 months, which I plan on applying for as soon as it opens. But to my dismay, it is still not open. I come home from lifting boxes of paper and being on my feet and doing deliveries and my whole body aches every day and I dream of a new job.

So in the meantime I have been working hard at learning web development at a higher level so that I can make an income from it. So far, it has been going very well and I will continue with it – it makes me happy and I feel that I am taking control of my future. Though I may not be a brilliant actor like Rami Malek and get to work with stunningly beautiful girls like he does, I see myself in Rami’s character ‘Elliot’. A lot of people do, as I have been reading online, and also he really crosses the 4th wall in the show and connects with the viewer in ways I have never seen a TV show do before. Super interesting show and people running it.

I guess I just wanted to blog again because I feel like the knowledge I have gained with Desteni and the tools I have applied to myself make me “special” like so many other people are “special” in their own ways. I know I am only an individual, equal and one to everything, but right now I do not feel that I am in a position which allows me to create my full potential, and that’s a little depressing.

Huh, I guess I should start considering who will be reading these blogs. Not that I am saying anything incriminating, but I’m really just allowing anyone a view into my thoughts and feelings and reactions. But I guess that is the point of sharing this blog, so others who can relate can see my process out of the mind and into awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to injure my wrist at work, causing my job responsibilities to shift to others while I am on restricted duty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself physically in order to fulfill my job requirements, past levels I am comfortable with because I need to keep my job in order to survive. The repetitive nature of some of my tasks require diligence in proper lifting techniques and also doing things slower.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am just not physically cut out for such heavy work and that I would be better suited for a desk job, with a computer. I am certainly a computer person, I love programming and designing, and I can also be social and adventurous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset with myself for not being where I want to be in life. I dream big dreams and rarely achieve them. My new dream is one that is more reasonable – to become a web developer. Besides, this dream will be a source of income.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slip into the mindset of “live to work” instead of the way it should be: “work to live”. Those hours Monday – Friday, 6am – 4:30pm are incredibly taxing on me but I stick with it because that’s what I got to do. But I try to remember that I accepted this because the alternative in my head isn’t much better.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the Desteni material makes me special, because I found it while others haven’t. All that does is perpetuate the haves vs. have nots, and that is the antithesis of my desire. We all play a role, we all have individual expressions, we all contribute ourselves to the collective that forms the world we exist in and every single person’s actions have ripple effects into other people’s lives. That is how Oneness works, there is no separation. Either we all make it, or none of us makes it. I am just doing my part.

[Day 25] Pain: how I am managing and what it has taught me

relax-on-a-hammock-swinging-bed-at-the-indigo-bay-island-resort-bazaruto-island-bazaruto-is-a-sandy-island-located-approximately-80-km-southeast-of-the-save-river-mozzambique-1Currently, I have chronic pain in my feet and hands. As I am only just 28 years old, some people have a hard time accepting that I suffer from real chronic pain. My doctor is making me put in a lot of effort to get pain meds. Yet, I have no choice but to heal myself as much as I can and continue – what’s the other option? Die? No thanks, not yet.

My ailments are RSI (Repetitive Stress Injury such as Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and “Texting Thumb”) in the hands and Plantar Fasciitis in the feet. Essentially, this constant, physical pain I endure is caused by overuse in conjunction with less-than-perfect posture/support/positioning. I would like to mention that these types of problems are on the rise across the globe and for good reason: we rush through our lives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rush through my life, my week, my day, the hour, and the moment to get to the next to get to the next. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the mind, within time, within worry, within anxiety, within the future, within the past, and not to stop my mind to take in the moment completely for what it is in full awareness. Instead, I am too busy thinking, thinking, thinking, wondering… always rushing in my thoughts. It’s fucking exhausting. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exhaust myself mentally, straining myself physically, and for being a “productive member of a [sick] society”.

My best friend, a year less than I, has it worse-off as far as his chronic pain. I have actually learned a lot from him, most importantly that doing home therapy for yourself is OK, it is accepted, it is not just for old people. We both swim a lot, we go camping – we are physically capable of great things, but we are both correcting our behavior by creating new habits that do not cause the issues we face. As an example, we both played computer games to very high levels, requiring 40+ hours/week, very fast and fine motor control (mouse and keyboard), sitting for hours upon hours in a chair. This, plus our manual labor type jobs, our fun activities, and for my friend – the Army, all played parts in contributing to RSIs in our hands. We ice them, we stretch them, we take good care of ourselves, and we watch how much we exert upon our hands because we now know the fragility of ourselves. In a way, it has been a gift. It has opened my eyes to the world of the physical, the world that endures where the mind falls short. Nothing short of STOPPING our old patterns and starting helpful, beneficial ways of living for ourselves will ever fix us. So we took the only choice we really had – to change ourselves. For this, I am grateful.

I was reading a story today by David Graeber (article) and he made a very clear and well-written point, the best I’ve heard yet actually, for why we shouldn’t be working 40 hour work weeks, among many other great points he made. And he went on to say regarding the status quo on direct-impact occupations: “You can see it when tabloids whip up resentment against tube workers for paralysing London during contract disputes: the very fact that tube workers can paralyse London shows that their work is actually necessary, but this seems to be precisely what annoys people.” That really spoke to me, because I have always taken great pride in my work, wherever it was, because I loved working with the physical, directing myself to move and create things in the moment which has a direct impact on people, immediately. And as it goes, generally such “blue-collar, manual labor, entry-level, grunt-work jobs” pay low. Yet for some reason, taking a day off was always very difficult, or missing one deadline was always a disaster. Oddly enough, I was always in high demand and constantly needed. This is true for lots of people in the workforce, especially if you consider whether their job is able to be outsourced to AI soon or not.

The point I am making is that I have reached a cross roads of pain and pleasure. The pleasure I get from activities that require dexterity, stamina, agility, quickness, etc are now having to be weighed in comparison to the pain index for the eventual outcome of such routine tasks. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget about equality in every moment, in every way. Equality exists in pain and pleasure, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek pleasurable activities with disregard for pain. I will continue to battle my pain symptoms but I commit myself to recovering and having learned a valuable lesson in the meantime.

[Day 24] Side effects may occur on the path to sobriety

day 24 white dragon.jpgWhat is sobriety? Does the image of a once unkempt man now in a button-up shirt and slacks come to mind like it does to me? If you are to probe your own mind to see what your mind sees as the definition of the word sobriety, what do you find? Perhaps you see a heroin “junkie” shooting up under a bridge downtown but now she’s your civil and polite neighbor next door who is getting her life back on track. Of course these are all true scenarios, but I want to explore this thought further down the rabbit hole . What is it about sobriety that scares the living hell out of me?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fear of sobriety due to memories of past drug use that I will never be able to forget and thus, never be free from knowing how good I felt while using them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have urges for chemicals to alter my mind, to change my biology, and to induce euphoria because nothing else has proven to feel as good as certain drugs feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself worry and stress about writing this article specifically about drugs, even though it has played a huge role in my life and also in the lives of many people, and should not be afraid of talking about for the betterment of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to live in a decriminalized country like the Netherlands so that I could actually work through my process faster to get to the point of no use.

Drugs are chemicals, legal and illegal. Weed, nicotine, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, SSRIs, benzos, opioids, psylocybin and DMT are all the same to me – drugs. Further, they really are just chemicals that interact and change the systems in our body, which could be said for dopamine and serotonin too. So in that regard, I will refer to the collective bunch as mind-altering substances (MASs). Good, now that that is out of the way, back to the point of the post: sobriety.

We as a totality of humans are far from sober that I have to wonder if anybody is really sober at all. The fluoride in our water is virtually unavoidable according to the Center for Disease Control  and there is ample evidence that effects the brain. Lately I have been going to the doctor for medicine to control my tics and anxiety and just recently threw away a bunch of pill bottles, some empty, some still full. We have been trying new drug after new drug to find one that works for me, and nothing is working. I was receiving a pain relief medicine from a different doctor for my plantar fasciitis and it has been wonderful as I expected. But as my supply dwindles and my options fade, I again have to face the reality that I am all too familiar with: where am I getting my next fix?


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be on prescription medicine for my ailments which I have convinced myself are too painful or too obnoxious or too difficult to live with without a MAS.

I realize that I am just simply at a point in my process that I have come face to face with my need for these things in my life which is opening up the question: why?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try so many MASs in an effort to alleviate my pain in my life and to find a pill that will solve my problems that will not really go away unless I take directive control over my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of being sober because I am so accustomed to the highs and lows, the ups and downs, that I am not sure how to live in a constant state of levelness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like  I need a MAS to keep me calm in a busy world because my breath does not seem like enough support, or rather my attention is unable to stay focused on my breath for longer than 5 minutes and thus I do not get the full effect as if I focused on it all the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require coffee most mornings, planning on it the day before even, sipping on it for a few hours, and having never missed a morning coffee at work in the past 2 years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself worry, stress, anxiety, and fear over wondering what I will do if my vape breaks and I have to go without it for a little while, probably to go get a new one the first change I get, but still, I would be panicking internally until I went to the store the first chance I could.

Currently I have been prescribed 2 new medicines that I have already decided I will not take again, after just two days. The side effects were too awful to bear. I’m talking massive, unrelenting headache, terrible stomach pain, dizziness, seeing light swirls, jaw clenching… just awful shit. On top of it all, it can cause a Serotonin Storm which I have already experienced once in my life and that is the only time I have gone unconscious and been rushed to the Emergency Room. Now I am back to where I started again, which is still in pain, still have tics, and wanting illegal drugs because all the legal drugs aren’t working. Except the Tramadol, it works, but my doctor doesn’t want to keep prescribing it.

Maybe it is a wake up call that I need to focus harder on breathing and grounding myself, maybe I should wake up tomorrow and go out in nature to watch the sunrise. Maybe I need to get good enough at web development that I can work for myself and make enough money for the life I dream of. Perhaps I just haven’t found a good MAS yet to get me through this point in my process to being sober. Is it possible to being completely sober, without external influences? I think so, if we take directive control over our entire life than external influences will be something we allow or deny. The difference is, that if we deny them and then we let them effect us still, that is not having control. That is not being sober.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not having complete and total control over my life which is evident by my dependence on MASs in the past and in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow MASs to enter my life and enter my bloodstream by choice and disguising it as something I just had to do or as something that I didn’t want to do but came up with a reason to allow it anyway so that I could feel good about myself for doing it when I knew I shouldn’t.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think so much about MASs and their effects on me, the memories I have made with them, my desire for them and for new ones, and what their significance is. I find them fascinating in so many ways and I want to explore them even more, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so interested in them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be free of the grasp of addiction to MASs, of the feelings they provide, or the experience it gives.

I commit myself to just being more aware of my self directive principle in all moments, but especially in regards to MASs. I will be extra careful to understand where my starting point is when I begin a new MAS or with existing MASs. I will love myself and I will do what is best for me.

[Day 23] Daily discipline gets me further than motivation and passion

wolf-eyes-focusedI am at a point in my life that is approaching what some might call “middle-age”. Truth be told, that is a concept of the mind, as we are all surely aware that death can come at any time, even past 100 years. That is far too long in the future for me to look, and so I bring my focus to here, this present moment in time, as we mind-trapped beings perceive time. Sidenote: I would fucking love to experience quantum time within the dimensions, that’d be amazing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be trapped in my mind consciousness system and within that I am also trapped in perceptions of time which I view as immovable, so therefore I am forced to be a slave to time. I forgive myself for being anxious about work tomorrow, knowing each passing second is one step closer to having to wake up early, yet ironically, one step closer to getting off of work and returning home too.

Within my life lately I have had a maturing of my outlook on life even in ways that my fuck-the-system, rebellious spirit can be proud of. I have learned that in this physical reality, projections of the mind will conflict with actual outcomes. What I mean by this should be obvious, but let these words serve as a reminder: Hard work pays off. We are at a point in existence that our nonchalance and lack of self means only one thing, that our directive control over our own lives has been disguised behind false dichotomies and illusions. Hard work here does not necessarily mean you need to break into sweat, standing in the hot sun, toiling over machines — although it is a very grounding experience like gardening. Instead, it’s synonymous with commitment, discipline, and frequent action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the experience of stomach-wrenching disgust for the words “commitment” and “discipline”. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate these words with “authority” and “school” and being a child again with rules being forced upon me causing me to “act out”. Instead, I commit myself to seeing the word “commitment” and “discipline” as something I am doing for myself and therefore no one else is externally forcing these things on me. I will direct these words towards myself, instead of accepting and allowing these words to be directed at me. In this way, I will leverage them to best support me and others.

Writing this blog is an aspect of that discipline that towards a better life. Indeed, it is a tool or instrument, like so much else, to create myself as life One and Equal, as I truly wish to do. Learning to code websites is another thing I have been working on with great results and success, due to the time I put into it, the energy I pour into my time, and also the passion and drive I have for writing great code. It is possibly part of my pre-programming that I am so enthusiastic about this, or maybe it is because I know I can make great money doing it professionally. Whatever the case, I see the results for myself and they do not lie. If I continue to pickup where I left off each day, if I stay disciplined, and if I will continue working on my training – web development, Desteni I Process, Journey to Life, birthing myself from the physical, physical therapy, all the things going on in my life right now – the future will be mine.

[Day 22] Instrusive thoughts & living for other’s approval

Real-or-FakeSomething I am guilty of and, frankly, affects my life more than I want it to, is putting up an image of myself that I wish to portray to the world and certain circles of people. My parents, coworkers, boss, friends, friend’s parents, and security guards are all examples of people who I tend to show different personalities to. I do this out of fear of losing something. I know I have “evil in my heart” because I have accepted and allowed bullshit to exist in this world which has caused so much unnecessary abuse and suffering. It is evident and obvious that the secrets I keep within me are self-serving, and I am afraid to lose privileges with my family, coolness with my friends, my way-of-life from my coworkers and boss, and if security guards actually knew what I was thinking, they may not let me in the building.

Have you ever been in a professional situation and you’re talking with someone about a project and for seemingly no reason whatsoever your mind goes “you should kiss this person right now!”? Or you lose focus of what they’re saying to you and instead think “I wonder what would happen if we were naked right now”. The same goes for the security guards I spoke about – sometimes my mind wanders into “what if I just ran past them and lead them on a chase?” or, well, sometimes worse things. You may imagine a man standing by the train tracks and think about pushing him in. I read about a new mother who couldn’t stand at the top of the stairs with her newborn son without imagining dropping him down the stairs and watching his tiny, helpless body tumble down the stairs writhing in pain.

Psychologist Hannah Reese Ph.D. says that these inappropriate and intrusive thoughts are completely normal. “The very act of monitoring your thoughts for the absence of a thought can make it occur more frequently”, she wrote. Others theorize that this is a mechanism of the brain, in the amygdala (that controls feelings and emotions, not reason and logic), that summons a “what if?” worst case scenario. The purpose of it would be something along the lines of a reality check. It would remind you why you wouldn’t take action on the thought. Intrusive thoughts should be dealt with by ignoring them, in my opinion. We should have ZERO reaction to the “what if”s that pop up in our head, and allow them no place in our life.

I have allowed intrusive thoughts and even regular thoughts to enter my mind so as to manipulate my personality depending on my environment and who I am speaking with. It is shocking to go through some of my photos I have taken over the years and see that I can play the part of so many people. I used to love this ability of mine, to be able to fit into different groups with the change of clothes. I developed this habit almost out of necessity or so I thought, when I was growing up I felt I had to maintain a certain image to satisfy my parents. I did this well, I could appear to be a good kid, do well in school, I was good looking and could attract girls, I was kind and empathetic. I was a child of the internet, I had a morbid fascination with watching Liveleak videos in which people died, were brutally murdered, and some questionable material. I LOVED drugs and did a lot before I overdosed and my parents found out. For me, it was simple: I have to lie and put up a false image in order to do what I really want to do. I couldn’t talk about my strange urges and fascinations, I lived around conservative Christians who have never done drugs, including my whole extended family when we all lived closer together. I was a black sheep, as far as I knew.

This applies to my career as well, probably even moreso. I do not want to get too close to any of my coworkers, I will not even add them to Facebook. Though we have a good relationship and sometimes talk about some sensitive topics, I am hesitant and cautious at all times. In this politically correct environment, the threat of losing my job is too easy. Without this job, I would not have an income, healthcare, or retirement. That is not easy to replace. So, I put up a false image – portraying myself as myself but with some changes. For instance, at work, I will keep my mouth shut on certain topics like Christianity. Also, when someone asks me how I’m doing, I’ll reply “fine”, “great”, “good thanks!”. If someone upsets me I won’t tell them because I have been in jobs where talking to people about problems gets you on the bad side of management. This is just part of being a slave to the system.

Perhaps the only person in the world I feel I can be my real self to is the girl I have found and now have an agreement with. With her, I don’t put up false images. Well maybe, if we consider taking 3 photos of myself but only picking the best one to send her. Yes, even that would be considered falsifying my image. But it’s so tame compared to everything else. When I can finally be with her in person, I can show her myself without fear. I want to show her the real me, because I see the real her. I am so lucky to have found this girl!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my personality to fit the person I am speaking with. I realize that by doing this I am showing to myself the areas of myself that I have yet to forgive, so I should become even more aware of my interactions with other people so that I may learn what it is exactly that I pretend to be around these people. Every time I fake a part of me I am living in fear of myself and fear of the outcome so I am abusing myself and the other person as I manipulate the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fear of the future and fear of how others will react to myself if I am completely honest. Now, I should not lose tact and wisdom for the sake of being open, I can remain quiet when I need to be quiet, and I can speak as little as possible but still be honest. Lying and faking is unnacceptable and I refuse to keep doing it just to appease another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing a person or relationship with a person – be it a landlord, a boss, a longtime friend – just because I am unable to be honest with them and tell them exactly what the truth is without creating a lie or a fake image. If my landlord does not want me vaping in my room then I have options to remedy that situation. I can purchase an air purifier so the little amount of vapor that is in the air will be cleaned. I can talk to them about this, I do not have to do this in secret. This is currently an issue I am facing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist for months secretly vaping away while knowing it would not be allowed by my landlord.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have intrusive thoughts that can be so extreme that I wouldn’t even want to write them down. I realize that thoughts exist in the mind, and I am not my mind, I am the self, the being, and I can control the mind instead of it controlling me. Being aware of these intrusive thoughts is the only way of being able to take control of them and to stop them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act upright and professional at work and around the public even though I know that I have a history that they would not approve of. I was a BMXer as a kid and I loved to ride my bike and go jump ramps we built illegally and make skate videos on public property that we got shoo’d away from. I have done a number of illegal things, I have smoked weed. I am not sorry for smoking weed or being a punk BMX kid, I thoroughly enjoyed those things. I hide the true nature of myself from coworkers and management because I do not see a place that it belongs at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have so many different personalities to support for so many different people that I sometimes don’t remember who I am. One of the most common lies I tell is trying to be cool with people and acting cool to win their favor. I know I can be cool, but sometimes I force it so that I can hide the fact that I am also a geek and a nerd, depressed sometimes, anxious, socially inept sometimes, or that I really don’t care about the person. There are so many uses for faking an image to others, but all of them are in self-interest.

I forgive myself for not acting in the best interest of all at all times. Each moment I face the choice of lying or telling the truth when I am with another being I can change myself one step at a time by choosing to tell the truth.

I commit myself to being truthful to others when I am feeling like putting up a fake image because it will be easier. I will rest easy knowing that I can be truthful and honest without saying more than is absolutely necessary. This will be a huge improvement in my life because I will be able to get my true self back and I will express myself in self-honesty.





[Day 21] Mind is a blur, so how about I blog?

nothingness2It’s a busy world “out there”. Funny that I would say that, because in actuality I do sometimes view the world as external, not part of me, separate even. When I have to wake up early in the morning on certain days I don’t want to go to work, and I do my job (which is a job I happen to like a lot), the realization that I am putting myself in the system, playing its “game”, makes me chuckle to myself because I dream of another world entirely different, with magic animals, funky houses, flying with the birds, traversing space and time, saving the princess, and epic quests. Then I see reality, here, and can’t help but think “is this all you have to offer?”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view the world as something external, while the physical world is very much stable and more reliable. My mind creates imaginative fantasies to cope with the bland, dull, repetitive reality I perceive. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view this reality as bland, dull, or boring. I am more than capable of finding and researching new things via the internet to spark my interest and to fuel old desires or to discover new ones. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts of grandeur, like sci-fi stories I know or like games I have played, which upon inspection, are not physically possible in this world. I know this, I accept that Terminator, Warcraft, and Grandia will never come to life and they will always exists as stories. Now, I instead focus on my life here

The first step to achieving the life and world I want is nothingness. As Bernard said, this 7 year journey to life blogging is aimed at reaching a point of nothingness. From there, we can create a world that is best for all. I would like to learn more about what nothingness is, what it means, how to know what to look for when you’re getting close to that point. The first thought that comes to my mind is nirvana in Buddhism. It can be interpreted as “non-self” or “emptiness”. Nirvana can also be interpreted as “absence of the weaving of activity of the mind” and “the elimination of desire”. I gained all this from Wikipedia, so I hope it’s correct, but it sounds similar to things I have heard before.

Going with this further, nothingness reminds me of the times I spent meditating by myself, in a non-spiritual way. When I meditated (I really should get back into it), I would sit in a lotus position, straighten my spine, focus on my breath, spin my chakras, and let the thoughts leave my mind. Many times, the feeling of emptiness I felt afterward was incredible. It’s like the Desteni material says – people are afraid that if they stop the mind, they will stop existing! It’s not so!

I can still remember a seemingly random event in my life while playing a game with friends in Arizona as a kid. We were going door-to-door asking neighbors for random items on a list (such as a lightbulb, a Coke can, an old shoe) and without warning I experienced something that forever changed me. While walking to the next house, I took a step back from my mind and witnessed my being. I truly felt like I was outside of my body and my mind, I was the very being inhabiting this human vehicle. Ever since then, I do it quite often now, but not all the time. I get nervous to write about this because I’m afraid somebody will shut me down and tell me how that is impossible, or not real, or I only “think” that I did that. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear to control me when speaking about personal experiences that only I can see, hear, or talk about. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become nervous to speak up about “odd” or “taboo” subjects even in my own personal Journey to Life blog which is designed to free myself of these restrictions. I am, in fact, freeing myself right now by doing self-forgiveness on this point. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “buy in” to the system so much that I have to choose my words carefully so as not to upset certain people who may find what I have written. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have doubts within myself about my own experiences, colliding with information from knowledge I may not fully comprehend, and going against the social norms of the system in place that “shuns the non-believer”.

When the mind is busy stirring, blogging your way to nothingness is the best thing you can do for yourself. Today, I learned that.



[Day 20] Terminator, Reptilian Sleeper Cells, and a Life Mission

213-01Maybe I’m high from watching the Terminator TV series the Sarah Connor Chronicles, but this show hit me like a sack of bricks with it’s great actors, visuals, story, and my tangents of thought about how it relates to the world we live in. Yes I am excited because I discovered an amazing new show, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become engrossed in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. It has really been inspiring to me, though.

I liken the show’s AI takeover to that of Reptilian/Anunnaki mind enslavement control. If we are simply pre-programmed robots doing our jobs, what good is it to be alive anyway? Life rests in the being, the observer, the one behind the human vehicle – driving it. Otherwise we are just along for the ride. As Bernard mentioned in a video I can no longer seem to find, a Reptilian sleeper cell has been put in play in the world who are there to stop those who oppose what is best for all. Now it’s starting to sound like Terminator!

I was curious what this sleeper cell was, how to find it, how to stop it. After some more digging I found out that he described them as people who follow their pre-programming and cause you to doubt yourself or have fear. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to secretly wish for something more exciting, something that could be captured or destroyed like in Terminator. I forgive myself for wanting an epic, grand show of war and rebellion, heroes and mysteries. I forgive myself for wishing real life was more like the movies and television. I realize that real life itself is fantastic because of the intricacies of the mysteries, the synchronous moments of epiphany between movies and real life that baffle reason, the strange feeling of acknowledgement of similarities you get when you compare the end of the world on the screen and the end of the world in real life. Life is actually even more outlandish! We play in a different world here, by different rules, that have real consequences.

It is still possible to learn from and enjoy the show. Those characters live outside of social norms, fighting a largely unseen fight, in order to save John Connor so he can lead the way away from humanity’s complete annihilation by out-of-control AI robots. Something in me ticks, it fires up dormant sectors of my being, and uncovers my true inner desire for such a life story as that.